crack_van | The Love Song of Bastard and Idiot by Predatrix (NC-17)

Fandom: HARRY POTTER
Pairing: Snape/Harry
Length: 26,000 words
Author on LJ:

predatrix
Author Website: Predatrix's Fiction Page
Why this must be read: The wonderfully-titled "The Love Song of Bastard and Idiot" has long been one of my favorite classic Snape/Harry stories. Written in a more 'innocent' time, back when Snarry authors only had to concern themselves with getting Snape and Harry together in some semi-believable way (without also worrying about the fallout from Dumbledore's death...or Snape's), this story includes some of my favorite elements in Snape/Harry fiction. To start with, there's the Hogwarts setting (which was, once upon a time, the most reasonable place to find Snape in stories set after the defeat of Voldemort). Then there's the smart writing, the humor, and the sex - which, for plot-related reasons happens over and over and over again, without ever making the story feel like a mere PWP.

The summary goes like this: "Pomfrey thinks she's detected usage of a Potion that suppresses the libido. A reverse-aphrodisiac love-story." It's Snape who's been using that particular potion, for reasons that will become clear as the story proceeds, but the potion is not without side effects...

***

After a long and tedious and useful day ending at 1 a.m., she went to look up certain side-effects in the library. She went straight to the right shelf for the book she wanted to check, but found only an empty space.

The library was fairly empty, but she could see the book she was looking for. She could tell it was that book, because she recognised the particular bookmark that went with it, because she'd picked away the corner. She couldn't see much of the book: a dark curtain of hair obscured most of it, although she got a few glimpses of the reader's nose.

She put a hand on his shoulder. He twitched away irritably, and clapped the book shut, but not before she'd seen the page it was on.

"Severus, why are you looking up the effects of Frigidus?"

"I am the Potions master at this school. Exactly what is remarkable about my keeping up-to-date with my skills?" He sounded weary rather than indignant, which was a bad sign.

"It's an odd time of night to do so, that's all. And a coincidence, because I was beginning to think that somebody at this school had been taking Frigidus long-term, and I did remember a few of the details. A smell of slinzy-fruit, particularly." It was an oily smell, with an almost-overripe sweetness mingling with touches of sourness, and difficult to mistake for anything else.

"And if they had?"

"If they had, I'd have to ask them why."

"Prurient curiosity is not among your duties."

"Not because of that," she said. "It's not all that common for somebody to decide to castrate themselves by chemical means. Not seriously. Oh, trying to remove all distractions during their exams, yes, but not many people do it long enough for the physical side-effects to show up. There's a reason to ask. Why did you choose to take Frigidus?"

Severus sighed. He hadn't even got the energy to be properly cross with her, evidently. "I see you have discarded the polite fiction." He glanced around him. "Because I was thoroughly sick of Lucius Malfoy knowing that all he had to do was waggle it under my nose and I would do anything for him and his noisome master."

She gaped at him.

"There is no need to become missish about my sexuality, madam. You asked."

"I assumed you were... but I wouldn't have thought Mr Malfoy was that..."

"You haven't been exposed to his charm at close range? He's part-Veela, unfortunately. It takes something as strong as Frigidus to knock the effect out."

"But Voldemort is dead, Severus. Lucius Malfoy is in Azkaban."

"I'd got used to the Frigidus by that time," he said quietly. "I read somewhere that the philosopher Socrates was asked, at an advanced age, what he thought about sexual desire. He said he was glad to be rid of a savage and irrational master. I appear to have increased my working hours, although I agree with you that the side-effects are undesirable."

"Severus, you're only forty. That's too young to cut part of your life out entirely."

He gave her a Slytherin Death Glare. It was much worse at close range; she'd only seen it aimed at the pupils before. She stood her ground.

The glare dimmed. "What did I do with my sexuality when it was active? Nothing very distinguished. This is just as well." Severus probably wouldn't have told her that if he wasn't ill, and tired, she decided. He might trust her and respect her enough to work with her about medical Potions, but he wasn't too forthcoming, normally.

He sneezed morosely. "As a matter of curiosity, do my motives bear inspection? I assume you were worried about some form of insanity." His tone made it quite clear that it would be a ridiculous thing to suspect him of.

"No. You're working among children, Severus. I wanted to be sure--"

Maybe I shouldn't have said that, she realised guiltily, as Severus burst into a fit of dry, unpleasant coughing. She went and got him a cup of water. "Drink this. Don't try to talk until you've drunk it."

"That particular reason hadn't occurred to me," said Severus thinly, between sips.

"It's probably the only reason I consider worth the health risks. Anybody else on the stuff long-term should wean themselves off it."

"Perhaps in the summer holiday, some year or other," Severus said vaguely, in a tone that suggested that hell would freeze over before he actually got round to it. "The consequences might be difficult."

A long finger traced along the page in front of him. She read it. "Insatiable sexual appetite, lack of actual appetite, lack of concentration, soreness of the affected organs, tiredness. It is not known how long the effects may persist; reported results have ranged from hours to months in length."

Well, she could see that he might not want to suffer the sudden return of every sexual impulse he might have had for the past few years, all at once, but surely even if it were embarrassing it would be better than all these infections one after the other?

"Do not let me detain you from your duties, Poppy."

Tomorrow she would go and see Albus. Albus would know what to do.

***

As luck would have it, a very grown up Harry Potter is there to...lend a hand.

Read "The Love Song of Bastard and Idiot"

The Love Song of Bastard and Idiot by Predatrix (NC-17)

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