Subject Line: If You Needed Me (Series) by Myrna (NC-17)

[jaymalea]

Fandom: QUEER AS FOLK USA
Pairing: Brian/Justin
Author on LJ: myrna1_2_3
Author Website: Echoes of Memories
Why this must be read: Post Season 2. I keep coming back to this series; angst and romance (though not your hearts and flowers, please!), humor and drama and pathos. Myrna writes a tautly drawn story that winds us through increasingly tighter levels of viewpoint. Don't be put off by Ethan's point of view in the first story, or Michael's in the second. By the third story we've spiraled through to Brian - and he tells us just how it is, or how he sees it anyway. We finally arrive at the epicenter with Justin. Myrna hurts Justin like no one else, and her Brian...I can't describe him. Just go read, but make sure you have time available as once you start you won't want to put it down.

Justin spotted me and stopped short and just stood there for a good long while. Eventually, he took some slow grudging steps in my direction, and I let out a chuff of laughter at his posture of doom. Condemned men have walked with more vigor toward the electric chair than Justin toward his front door.

I suppose I should have wooed the boy. Coaxed him back to me with pretty words and fancy promises, thrown him some of the meaningless bones he imagined were important, but I think Bob Dylan said it best. It ain't me, babe.

And Justin knew that. He might not have been certain what in the hell I was doing lurking around his door, but he knew I wasn't there to pledge my undying faith and devotion.

He didn't speak until he was standing close enough to whisper. "I'm not doing this," he said, though he'd lost much of the unwavering bravado from our last encounter. "I don't know if you think this is some rough kind of foreplay or that I get off on feeling like total shit or what. But I'm not going to be your evening's entertainment. I'm just not."

"Fair enough," I said. "I thought a lot about what we said. What you said. I heard you, okay? Loud and clear. I don't think I can say that about a lot of the conversations we've had in the past, but I heard you this time, and I want to talk. We can do that, right? Just talk."
"What's left to talk about?" Justin asked. "I think we said pretty much everything we could, don't you?"

I briskly shook my head. "Not by a long shot, Sonny Boy." I paused a second, then dropped my little bombshell. "If we're going to do this again, we've got a shitload of stuff to talk about, don't you think?"

Justin reacted with comical disbelief. "You have got to be kidding! How do you go from ignoring me for, like, an entire year, to fucking riding my ass like some drill sergeant, to shoving me around in my apartment, to 'if we're going to do this again'? I mean, what the fuck?"

I moved in and took his face in my hand, caressing the smooth underside of his chin. "Justin," I said, my tone softly admonishing. "We both know you're the only chance I've got. We both know that. If not you, then no one." I was entirely sincere in the sentiment, but looking back, it was a really shitty thing to say to the kid. Who needs that kind pressure? Maybe I wouldn't have said it if it wasn't true for him as well, to a lesser degree certainly, but still true. With some other slob, he'd never have anything close to what we have.

"And I want…" I lost my courage for a second, then found it again. "I want there to be you." I swallowed nervously and lost my courage again. "I think. Maybe. Well, probably. I probably want that. Maybe."

I wouldn't have blamed Justin--much--if he'd hurled something at my head right about then, but he just shook his head and snickered at me. He craned his head back and looked at me with his hands on his hips. "So, you want to talk about maybe, possibly, probably, thinking about maybe discussing the possibility of considering getting back together? Is that right?"

"Sort of," I answered, tongue in cheek.

If You Needed Me
I Would Come To You
I'd Swim The Seas
For To Ease Your Pain