crack_van | Comes Now the Plaintiff, Frodo Baggins (G)

Fandom: LORD OF THE RINGS
Pairing: Canon, gen
Length: Short story
Author on LJ:

edoraslass
Author Website: Archived at Stories of Arda
Why this must be read:

The funniest LOTR crack I have ever tasted. Without a doubt, the best of the legal-LOTR fics. Doesn't actually require any knowledge of legal procedure, but does require a sense of humor. Is occasionally a bit wordy, but that's easily overlooked. With stuff like this, how can you go wrong? Come discover the reason there are so many lawyers!

Some examples:

FRODO BAGGINS, aka FRODO of the NINE
FINGERS

Plaintiff,

v.
(1) ARAGORN son of ARATHORN, aka
STRIDER aka THORONGIL aka ELESSAR
aka ESTEL aka FRANKIE “THE HAMMER”
of PELARGIR aka MR FANCY-PANTS aka
DUNADAN aka WINGFOOT aka EVINYATAR
aka ANY OTHER NAME,
individually and d/b/a ARAGORN
ELESSAR TELCONTAR, KING of GONDOR
and ARNOR

and:

11. Plaintiff Baggins holds that without Defendant Gandalf’s unlawful and unwanted coercions and harassments, he would not today suffer from severe, irreversible psychological damage, including but not limited to, night terrors, “flashbacks”, fear of giant eagles, fear of Rangers, fear of pointy hats, fear of gold jewelry, fear of the Big People (i.e., Men, excluding Sons of Eorl), fear of lava-spewing mountains, fear of lembas, and arachnophobia. He would also still be in possession of all his digits and his faith in the Maia and the Valar.

Comes Now the Plaintiff, Frodo Baggins