crack_van | The Choices We Make by Arianna (Gen)

Fandom: THE SENTINEL
Characters: Jim Ellison, Blair Sandburg, Simon Banks, Naomi Sandburg, Joel Taggart, Henri Brown, Rafe
Length: 62518
Author on LJ:

caarianna
Author Website: Arianna…it’s about love (Slash) her work is also archived on Starfox’s Mansion (Gen) and AO3 (Slash)

Why this must be read: For the heart-wrenching angst alone.

Summary: Jim’s lack of trust has finally worn Blair down and he’s decided it’s time to move on; Jim doesn’t want him to leave but can’t seem to say or do anything to change his friends mind.

If you’re an angst junkie like me then this is a great read for you, the anguish starts off thick and fast and carries on full throttle as Arianna delves into the very foundations of Jim and Blair’s relationship. As the story unfolds we watch both men struggle against their own fears and insecurities as their friendship reaches breaking point and they’re slowly torn apart. Neither man truly wants to give up on the other so when fate lends a hand we’re taken on a journey of friendship and discovery which reaches into the very core of their bond. There’s also a lovely touch of mysticism as Sentinel and Guide find themselves at a juncture which requires a decision from each of them.

This is a gritty, tense and emotional ride that’ll keep you on the edge of your seat wanting more. It’s an angst feast that begins immediately upon the episode Crossroads and ends post-TSbyBS.

****

"Would you stop that!" Ellison exclaimed in frustration. "It's goddamned hard to have a conversation with you when you're busy packing."

"You want to talk, talk," Blair muttered. "I can listen and pack at the same time."

In the sudden silence, Jim wasn't sure what to say. Blair seemed so remote - cold and angry. And, beneath it all, he seemed…hurt. Badly.

"You told your mother that we're still best friends," he hazarded.

"No, I said she'd hurt my best friend," Sandburg replied quietly, turning away as he shoved the last of his clothing into the bag.

Jim's eyes narrowed at that, as he stared at Blair's back. "Isn't that what I just said?" he queried.

"No, what you said implies that I'm also your best friend," Sandburg sighed. "And it's pretty clear I'm not."

"Where did you get that idea?" Jim challenged.

Sandburg stilled. "I don't know," he grated as he stared at the far wall. "Lots of things, I guess. Like you believing I'd screw you for profit, or betray you for personal glory. Maybe it was being treated like I had the plague and you wished I'd fall off the edge of the earth. Or maybe it was telling me to get out, or the fact that you really haven't had much time for me since…Mexico…even before that. Take your pick. None of those behaviours is the way someone treats anyone they trust and value, let alone their best friend." Turning to face Ellison, he added, "I don't know who I am in your life - an irritation, maybe? An embarrassment, evidently. Friend? No, I don't think so."

"Dammit, Sandburg," Ellison growled, embarrassed. "You're the first one to remind me about my so-called 'fear-based responses'. I was angry and upset…"

"And you had every right to be, but even in anger, I don't know why your first instinct is to believe I would deliberately do you harm," Blair replied as he zipped up his suitcase. "And even when you knew your first assumptions were wrong, you still wanted me gone - still didn't want me anywhere near you while you tried to deal with Zeller. You only suggested we work together again after I publicly crucified myself. Everything was fine then, so long as you felt safe. Well, good. I really am truly glad you feel safe. To make sure you continue to feel safe, I'm out of here."

"I, uh, my assumptions were clearly wrong," Jim muttered, uncomfortable and not a little ashamed about his hair-trigger reactions to all that had happened.

"Yep, you've got that right," Sandburg grunted as he shoved his spare shoes into the outside pocket of his bag. Turning to the desk, he began loading his backpack and briefcase.

"I don't want you to go like this - I mean, you don't even have a place…"

"Not your problem, man," Blair snapped. "I'm a big boy now, and responsible for myself."

"Chief, I'm getting the impression that whatever I say, it's going to be wrong," Jim said then, feeling as if he were banging his head against a wall.

"You say that like it matters," Sandburg muttered as he closed the briefcase.

"What? It doesn't matter to you that I don't want you to go, not like this?" Ellison countered.

"How would you rather I leave?" Blair demanded, his voice tight with emotion. "With a smile?" he continued, looking up with a parody of a grin. "Happier now? Like Naomi, you don't want me to be angry? You don't want to think that maybe, just maybe, you really hurt me? It's all supposed to be about her good intentions and your sense of betrayal and fear? Okay, fine. It's because of your fear, and your need for continued secrecy that I'm going. Not because I'm mad or hurt, which I am, but I'm not leaving for those reasons. Jim, think about it for two seconds! After all that's happened, if I stay, don't you think people would start wondering why you haven't booted my ass into the street? The storyline is that I wrote fraudulent material that caused you tremendous embarrassment and inconvenience. Why the hell would you tolerate having me around? Most people likely wonder how you can even stand to look at me without wanting to beat the crap out of me. Even if I wanted to stay, I couldn't."

"Where will you go?" Ellison asked, feeling as if it were all happening too fast.

"Don't worry about it," Blair sighed as he finished stuffing his notebooks into the backpack. Slinging the pack over his shoulder, he grabbed the carryall and picked up the briefcase. "I'll have the boxes picked up in the morning and the linens on the bed are clean," he said as he moved toward the doorway.

But Jim blocked it, and didn't seem inclined to move out of the way.

"Jim, don't make this any harder than it already is," Blair said quietly. "It's done. You said it yourself. It's time for me to move on."

"Do you really want to go?" Ellison asked then, his gaze fixed on the floor.

"What I want hasn't mattered a damn for quite some time, so why should it matter now?" Blair retorted.

"Answer me," Jim pressed.

"I don't want to stay where I'm neither wanted nor respected," Blair replied, his voice flat. "You've gotten what you needed from me, Jim; I guess you got a whole lot more than you ever wanted."

( The Choices We Make )