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crack_van2013-03-20 11:18 am
stars-inthe-sky.livejournal.com) wrote in crack_van2013-03-20 11:18 am
Entry tags:
"Only Human" by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
anuna_81 (adult)
Fandom: The Avengers (movieverse)
Pairing: Natasha Romanoff/Clint Barton (why aren't we calling this ship Black Hawk?)
Length: ~6K words
Author on LJ:anuna_81
Author Website:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
head_on_home
Why this must be read: Somewhere's there's probably a fluffy, happy Clintasha kid!fic, but this ain't it. "Only Human" is raw and mean at times, but it's told from the perspective of a Black Widow who is so very, very human, which makes the ending all the sweeter.
She thought she managed to forget about it – except you don't forget your wishes. Not these kinds of wishes.
They're on an undercover mission, posing as happily-in-love newlyweds taking a lazy vacation on the Mediterranean coast, holding hands and taking photographs, which is a rather convenient pastime. You can take a lot of photos as a tourist without anyone suspecting anything. Just a few more days and they'll be done, and that's always a relief, even with slow, easy missions like this one.
And then it happens – they're entering their hotel and run into a crying and obviously very scared little girl.
“Oh damn,” Clint says, and goes straight to her. There's something about him and children, something she studiously tries to avoid and not think too much about. It's like a glimpse of some other easier life, maybe, except it's right in front of her now in this life – he calms the little girl down and manages to make sense of what she's saying. Natasha chooses to go and ask about her parents and when she comes back, the girl is sitting on Clint's lap, and he's keeping her distracted with a game on his cell phone.
He even makes her laugh.
She gives Clint a hug before leaving with her dad, one of those earnest, hug-you-with-all-my-might hugs, and Clint smiles.
All Natasha can do is curse her own mind for refusing to let go of that image.
*
She had been pregnant, once. Had been. It was years ago, ages ago, in some other life, but she still remembers it vividly. She remembers that one perfect month when her life turned from bleak and dark into something tentatively hopeful, when she had a secret and a purpose that was hers and hers alone.
And then they found out. She is certain that her injury was no accident. She lost it, almost as suddenly as she found out about the child who would never be it was over. It was ripped away from her and it hurt so much, so damn much she had to forget how badly she'd wanted it.
She didn't allow herself to cry then, but she decided that she would leave. Leave them. Have a different life.
And she did. Eventually she did.
*
The weeks that follow are a struggle against her mind and better judgment but eventually she can't stop looking and noticing and reminding herself that she exists in a different world now. Nobody will purposefully hurt her after a failed mission, nobody will pump her full of drugs to rearrange her memories and her mind and use her sense of self, and the lack of it, to suit the next mission she'll be sent on. She gets to be herself, to define and choose who she is, gets to keep her memories. Keep her wishes.
She knows that Clint likes kids, and she's aware they like him in return. There are moments like when Beth from the science department walks in carrying her two year old son and Clint makes silly faces at him and those moments aren't a cause for an uncomfortable twitch in her gut that she tries to ignore as quickly as she can. Not anymore. Now she watches.
She feels caught, like a fly in a spiders web, and isn't that just fucking ironic? But she's caught and she watches him interacting with the children of various SHIELD scientists and agents and when she does things stir in her chest. Her imagination gives her uninvited thoughts, and she imagines what his children would look like, wonders if they would have his smile, or maybe his eyes and hair... and what if his child had green eyes instead of greyish blue?
Then she calls herself an idiot for even thinking that, but when she rides him that night in the bed (they don't make love, they don't) there's sadness slipping into the tight space between them and he reacts to it. Of course he does, and then he holds her face steady between his hands and kisses her fully and completely until she can't think about anything but him anymore.
Only Human
Pairing: Natasha Romanoff/Clint Barton (why aren't we calling this ship Black Hawk?)
Length: ~6K words
Author on LJ:
anuna_81Author Website:
head_on_homeWhy this must be read: Somewhere's there's probably a fluffy, happy Clintasha kid!fic, but this ain't it. "Only Human" is raw and mean at times, but it's told from the perspective of a Black Widow who is so very, very human, which makes the ending all the sweeter.
She thought she managed to forget about it – except you don't forget your wishes. Not these kinds of wishes.
They're on an undercover mission, posing as happily-in-love newlyweds taking a lazy vacation on the Mediterranean coast, holding hands and taking photographs, which is a rather convenient pastime. You can take a lot of photos as a tourist without anyone suspecting anything. Just a few more days and they'll be done, and that's always a relief, even with slow, easy missions like this one.
And then it happens – they're entering their hotel and run into a crying and obviously very scared little girl.
“Oh damn,” Clint says, and goes straight to her. There's something about him and children, something she studiously tries to avoid and not think too much about. It's like a glimpse of some other easier life, maybe, except it's right in front of her now in this life – he calms the little girl down and manages to make sense of what she's saying. Natasha chooses to go and ask about her parents and when she comes back, the girl is sitting on Clint's lap, and he's keeping her distracted with a game on his cell phone.
He even makes her laugh.
She gives Clint a hug before leaving with her dad, one of those earnest, hug-you-with-all-my-might hugs, and Clint smiles.
All Natasha can do is curse her own mind for refusing to let go of that image.
*
She had been pregnant, once. Had been. It was years ago, ages ago, in some other life, but she still remembers it vividly. She remembers that one perfect month when her life turned from bleak and dark into something tentatively hopeful, when she had a secret and a purpose that was hers and hers alone.
And then they found out. She is certain that her injury was no accident. She lost it, almost as suddenly as she found out about the child who would never be it was over. It was ripped away from her and it hurt so much, so damn much she had to forget how badly she'd wanted it.
She didn't allow herself to cry then, but she decided that she would leave. Leave them. Have a different life.
And she did. Eventually she did.
*
The weeks that follow are a struggle against her mind and better judgment but eventually she can't stop looking and noticing and reminding herself that she exists in a different world now. Nobody will purposefully hurt her after a failed mission, nobody will pump her full of drugs to rearrange her memories and her mind and use her sense of self, and the lack of it, to suit the next mission she'll be sent on. She gets to be herself, to define and choose who she is, gets to keep her memories. Keep her wishes.
She knows that Clint likes kids, and she's aware they like him in return. There are moments like when Beth from the science department walks in carrying her two year old son and Clint makes silly faces at him and those moments aren't a cause for an uncomfortable twitch in her gut that she tries to ignore as quickly as she can. Not anymore. Now she watches.
She feels caught, like a fly in a spiders web, and isn't that just fucking ironic? But she's caught and she watches him interacting with the children of various SHIELD scientists and agents and when she does things stir in her chest. Her imagination gives her uninvited thoughts, and she imagines what his children would look like, wonders if they would have his smile, or maybe his eyes and hair... and what if his child had green eyes instead of greyish blue?
Then she calls herself an idiot for even thinking that, but when she rides him that night in the bed (they don't make love, they don't) there's sadness slipping into the tight space between them and he reacts to it. Of course he does, and then he holds her face steady between his hands and kisses her fully and completely until she can't think about anything but him anymore.
Only Human