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crack_van2005-11-03 08:51 pm
vissy.livejournal.com) wrote in crack_van2005-11-03 08:51 pm
Entry tags:
Four Men in a Boat by Serpentis (NC-17)
Fandom: LOTRIPS
Pairings: Billy/Dom, Andy/Sean Bean
Author on LJ:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lord_alexander
Author Website:serpentisfix
Why this must be read: This is an hilarious stream of consciousness story from the filthy mouth of Andy Serkis. There's no Gollum-speak (thank god!), just a charmingly crass flow of seeming randomness from would-be matchmaker Andy as he attempts to smoosh two hobbits together on a teeny tiny boat whilst tiptoeing around the Sean Factor. There are too many funny one-liners to choose from and the smut's as hot as monkeys.
"You've...you're insane. You've taken leave of your senses," Billy says to me, whacking me over the barnet with the Hoseasons boating catalogue as I point out the boat. You think Dom's the violent one? Not when he's pissing himself laughing he isn't, so Billy sort of takes up the reins on 'Time to Twat Andy' and gives me a crack round the bonce. They always get me somehow, the little fuckers. Just because they're both under five seven doesn't give them the right to smack me about with weaponry. Hands fine, hands can be coped with. But that brochure? That's got hell of a hard spine, that has, and I don't want to be beaten up with the sodding thing. Dom won't control his errant hobbit, and Sean is silently leafing through the information so I have no back up there from the bastard, so I have to cope with being attacked violently by a shortie psycho.
You ever notice that shortie psychos take over the world, right? Alexander the Great. Genghis Khan. Attila the Hun. None over five six at all. You can just see it there in Dom's eye sometimes. Must. Conquer. Europe. He's not stupid enough to launch a land war in Asia, that's why the Mongols came from the East. Go China way, you get twatted. Come over towards the West, and you're in Paris by lunchtime. Who'd want Paris anyway? It's not that nice, it's too full of tourists, and there's dog shit all over the pavements. Plus, the French. If you're going to be 'somewhere by lunchtime,' why not Bruges, or Aachen? Nice small towns, pretty cathedrals, in Bruges you've got the advantage of fucking good chips though the Belgians are a but OTT with putting mayonnaise on them, and there's the good quality lace and chocolate. Aachen's the seat of Charlemagne. What more you need to be a conquering hero?
Three Four Men in a Boat
Pairings: Billy/Dom, Andy/Sean Bean
Author on LJ:
lord_alexanderAuthor Website:
serpentisfixWhy this must be read: This is an hilarious stream of consciousness story from the filthy mouth of Andy Serkis. There's no Gollum-speak (thank god!), just a charmingly crass flow of seeming randomness from would-be matchmaker Andy as he attempts to smoosh two hobbits together on a teeny tiny boat whilst tiptoeing around the Sean Factor. There are too many funny one-liners to choose from and the smut's as hot as monkeys.
"You've...you're insane. You've taken leave of your senses," Billy says to me, whacking me over the barnet with the Hoseasons boating catalogue as I point out the boat. You think Dom's the violent one? Not when he's pissing himself laughing he isn't, so Billy sort of takes up the reins on 'Time to Twat Andy' and gives me a crack round the bonce. They always get me somehow, the little fuckers. Just because they're both under five seven doesn't give them the right to smack me about with weaponry. Hands fine, hands can be coped with. But that brochure? That's got hell of a hard spine, that has, and I don't want to be beaten up with the sodding thing. Dom won't control his errant hobbit, and Sean is silently leafing through the information so I have no back up there from the bastard, so I have to cope with being attacked violently by a shortie psycho.
You ever notice that shortie psychos take over the world, right? Alexander the Great. Genghis Khan. Attila the Hun. None over five six at all. You can just see it there in Dom's eye sometimes. Must. Conquer. Europe. He's not stupid enough to launch a land war in Asia, that's why the Mongols came from the East. Go China way, you get twatted. Come over towards the West, and you're in Paris by lunchtime. Who'd want Paris anyway? It's not that nice, it's too full of tourists, and there's dog shit all over the pavements. Plus, the French. If you're going to be 'somewhere by lunchtime,' why not Bruges, or Aachen? Nice small towns, pretty cathedrals, in Bruges you've got the advantage of fucking good chips though the Belgians are a but OTT with putting mayonnaise on them, and there's the good quality lace and chocolate. Aachen's the seat of Charlemagne. What more you need to be a conquering hero?