crack_van | The Great Pretender by Wuemsel (R)

Fandom: STARSKY & HUTCH
Pairing: none
Length: 3 879 words
Author on LJ: not known
Author Website: HERE
Why this must be read:

This story shows how much Hutch needed Starsky after what happened in The Fix, how much he hurt and fought with the inner demons that haunted him every day. The title says everything. How can you pretend to be yourself if you don't remember who you were?

No, I won't call him. Won't bother him with this. He's done enough. He's...

"Oh god what am I gonna do," he whispered, rolled onto his side, curled up on himelf. He couldn't recall ever having felt so damn miserable in his entire life. Not even when Starsky had found him. Not even at Huggy's. Not even when his whole body had screamed in pain, had writhed in agony. No, not even then.

That had only been his body. What was screaming now was his soul. And it just wouldn't stop.

Of course he knew what was happening to him. His mind knew. He was a cop, he knew about the effects of drug abuse.

Depressions. Despair.

The mind had become as addicted to the drug as the body had. And, yes, he'd cleaned his body off the stuff. The pain he felt wasn't real. The cold he felt was just his imagination.

He needed to also clean his mind. He knew that. And he knew he couldn't do it alone.

Yet...

I don't want to call him. I don't want to see that look in his eyes again. I couldn't endure it. I'm...

He squeezed his eyes shut against the thought, but it came, anyway. Worthless.

Not worth Starsky's friendship. Not worth the loving care he'd experienced before. Not worth anything.

The Great Pretender