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crack_van2010-03-05 08:37 pm
sandystarr88.livejournal.com) wrote in crack_van2010-03-05 08:37 pm
Entry tags:
The Idiot's Guide to Foiling Alien Invasions by netgirl_y2k (PG-13)
Fandom: DOCTOR WHO
Pairing: Gen; Mickey Smith, Jackie Tyler
Length: 20,306
Author on LJ: [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]
Author Website: Memories
Why this must be read:
Because this story has UNIT, Sarah Jane, Benton, Torchwood, Jack, Donna, capitalist aliens trying to make a profit, and at the center of it all Mickey Smith and Jackie Tyler, accidental saviors of Earth. All the various cameos are very well done, it was great to see all these great characters (past and present) interact without the Doctor acting as a go-between. Jackie and Mickey's characterizations were just pitch perfect, too many memorable one-liners to count. This fun, fast-paced story will make any reader snort in laughter, and smile at the hilarity of it all.
"Do you know what's weird about this place?" she asked.
"Yes," Mickey lied. He'd actually been too involved in studying the menu board to notice anything odd at all. He stayed quiet and waited for Jackie to elaborate.
"No one's talking," Jackie pointed out. Mickey was about to reply that lots of people were talking, the large group of teenage girls standing right in front of him for example. He had no idea what they were saying, his brain had that bloke filter that edited out the words when large groups of girls were speaking, but they were certainly making noise. Then he noticed Jackie was right, the people in the queue were talking, the people serving were talking but the people eating weren't saying anything. They were just methodically munching their burgers in silence.
"Okay, that's weird."
The queue was moving quickly and the group in front of Mickey and Jackie were being served.
"Hi there," said a smiling and bright eyed member of staff who was wearing an orange and lime green polo shirt and a baseball cap with a picture of a flying saucer on it. "What can I get for you today?"
Okay, that was strange. Mickey had spent quite a lot of his time in fast food franchises and was used to the staff looking dead eyed and as though they were thinking up ways to kill people using only a spatula. This enthusiasm wasn't normal.
The little voice at the back of Mickey's mind was shouting now. He spotted a door off to his left with the words 'Staff Only' printed on it. Against his better judgement, common sense and the specific instructions of the little voice in the back of his mind Mickey dived out of the queue and through the door. He found himself standing in an ordinary looking corridor with a mop and bucket propped against the wall. He walked in the direction of kitchen sounds, his trainers squelched on wet tiles.
At first glance the kitchen looked normal. Some people were flipping burgers; others were frying chips in oil. And in the centre of the kitchen two people wearing the same grimacing smile as the staff at the counter were feeding what looked like a large lime green octopus into a mincer.
"Meep," meeped Mickey.
The employees looked up. "Get him," they said in unison.
Grinning staff members approached Mickey from both sides. He tried to back away but two of them suddenly grabbed his arms. Then just as suddenly they let go, this was because Jackie had just walloped them both across the back of the head with the mop.
She grabbed the back of Mickey's jacket. "Run!"
Mickey didn't need to be told twice.
They were several streets away by the time they realised no-one was chasing them. Mickey collapsed against the wall, totally knackered. Jackie stopped next to him, red in the face and out of breath.
Mickey fished his mobile out of his pocket.
"Who are you phoning?" Jackie wheezed.
"Rose," he said. "Then the Doctor, the police, the army and the X-files."
Jackie snatched the phone from him. "Don't you dare get Rose involved in this, it could be dangerous."
"Yes, it could be." Mickey reached over to take the phone back but Jackie prodded him sharply in the stomach and he doubled over.
"You'd feel better with your girlfriend here to protect you, would you?"
"Yes, actually," pride was not a character fault Mickey could ever be accused of.
"We just need to think about this. Let's go back to my flat, sit down and have a cup of tea." Mickey snorted derisively at Jackie's suggestion. "What's wrong with that?"
"I don't know about your flat, Jackie, but mine doesn't have a back door. What if that lot come after us? It's not like nobody knows us around here, it wouldn't be hard to find out where we live."
"That's a good point. So what we need is somewhere with more than one exit and lots of people around where nothing can happen to us..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A pint of lager and vodka and tonic, please, mate." Mickey picked up the drinks and headed over to where Jackie was sitting at a table conveniently close to the pubs fire exit. "So, the people who run the fast food place are aliens then."
The bloke at the next table over gave Mickey an odd look. Jackie smiled at him and made the universal drinky-drinky gesture while nodding at Mickey. The bloke smiled sympathetically and went back to his pint.
"We don't know that they're aliens, not for sure." Jackie made a valiant attempt at denial.
"How'd you explain the Invasion of the Body snatchers staff then?"
"So they were a bit enthusiastic. That doesn't mean they're aliens, they might be... I dunno, Americans."
"Did they sound American to you?"
"No, but... Yeah, okay, they're aliens. What are we going to do?"
"I still think we should call Rose."
"I've told you, no. I can't protect my daughter when she's out there doing God knows what with him, but I'm not deliberately getting her involved with something that I know could be dangerous."
"Yeah, alright, but we've got to do something."
"We'll go to the police," decided Jackie.
"And say what, 'By the way, mate, there are aliens selling octopus burgers down on the high street.' They'll cart us off to the funny farm."
"We'll say that they attacked you in the kitchen. Then they'll have to go and have a look and if there is good explanation for what happened they'll find it."
"Yeah, okay."
"Right, come on."
"What, now? What about the rest of my pint?"
"Yeah, cause turning up reeking of booze will really make them believe us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie and Mickey stood around the corner from the police station watching people come and go. Jackie straightened up, "Right, let's go then."
"I'll see you when you get back then," said Mickey.
"Why aren't you coming?"
"Cause last time I was in there people kept asking me where I'd hidden my girlfriends body."
"Now that I think about it maybe you should wait here."
"Yeah."
Mickey watched as Jackie ran across the street and into the police station. He slouched back against the wall and tried to look like he had a good reason for spending his evening loitering outside of a police station. Jackie was inside for ages and Mickey drifted off and started to daydream. He was in the middle of particularly enjoyable one about a world with no aliens where his girlfriend hadn't left him for a bloke whose ears could pick up satellite TV.
He was jolted out of this pleasant reverie by a racket coming from the police station. Jackie was being frogmarched out of the building by a sergeant. Mickey trotted over just in time to make out the tail end of the shouting.
"... And if you come back I shall have you charged with wasting police time." The sergeant turned and strode back into the station. Jackie zipped up her hoodie and about turned to face Mickey.
"I'm guessing it didn't go that well," he observed.
"It's down to you and me, Mickey."
"Oh, good," said Mickey aloud. We're all doomed, he thought.
The Idiot's Guide to Foiling Alien Invasions
Pairing: Gen; Mickey Smith, Jackie Tyler
Length: 20,306
Author on LJ: [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]
Author Website: Memories
Why this must be read:
Because this story has UNIT, Sarah Jane, Benton, Torchwood, Jack, Donna, capitalist aliens trying to make a profit, and at the center of it all Mickey Smith and Jackie Tyler, accidental saviors of Earth. All the various cameos are very well done, it was great to see all these great characters (past and present) interact without the Doctor acting as a go-between. Jackie and Mickey's characterizations were just pitch perfect, too many memorable one-liners to count. This fun, fast-paced story will make any reader snort in laughter, and smile at the hilarity of it all.
"Do you know what's weird about this place?" she asked.
"Yes," Mickey lied. He'd actually been too involved in studying the menu board to notice anything odd at all. He stayed quiet and waited for Jackie to elaborate.
"No one's talking," Jackie pointed out. Mickey was about to reply that lots of people were talking, the large group of teenage girls standing right in front of him for example. He had no idea what they were saying, his brain had that bloke filter that edited out the words when large groups of girls were speaking, but they were certainly making noise. Then he noticed Jackie was right, the people in the queue were talking, the people serving were talking but the people eating weren't saying anything. They were just methodically munching their burgers in silence.
"Okay, that's weird."
The queue was moving quickly and the group in front of Mickey and Jackie were being served.
"Hi there," said a smiling and bright eyed member of staff who was wearing an orange and lime green polo shirt and a baseball cap with a picture of a flying saucer on it. "What can I get for you today?"
Okay, that was strange. Mickey had spent quite a lot of his time in fast food franchises and was used to the staff looking dead eyed and as though they were thinking up ways to kill people using only a spatula. This enthusiasm wasn't normal.
The little voice at the back of Mickey's mind was shouting now. He spotted a door off to his left with the words 'Staff Only' printed on it. Against his better judgement, common sense and the specific instructions of the little voice in the back of his mind Mickey dived out of the queue and through the door. He found himself standing in an ordinary looking corridor with a mop and bucket propped against the wall. He walked in the direction of kitchen sounds, his trainers squelched on wet tiles.
At first glance the kitchen looked normal. Some people were flipping burgers; others were frying chips in oil. And in the centre of the kitchen two people wearing the same grimacing smile as the staff at the counter were feeding what looked like a large lime green octopus into a mincer.
"Meep," meeped Mickey.
The employees looked up. "Get him," they said in unison.
Grinning staff members approached Mickey from both sides. He tried to back away but two of them suddenly grabbed his arms. Then just as suddenly they let go, this was because Jackie had just walloped them both across the back of the head with the mop.
She grabbed the back of Mickey's jacket. "Run!"
Mickey didn't need to be told twice.
They were several streets away by the time they realised no-one was chasing them. Mickey collapsed against the wall, totally knackered. Jackie stopped next to him, red in the face and out of breath.
Mickey fished his mobile out of his pocket.
"Who are you phoning?" Jackie wheezed.
"Rose," he said. "Then the Doctor, the police, the army and the X-files."
Jackie snatched the phone from him. "Don't you dare get Rose involved in this, it could be dangerous."
"Yes, it could be." Mickey reached over to take the phone back but Jackie prodded him sharply in the stomach and he doubled over.
"You'd feel better with your girlfriend here to protect you, would you?"
"Yes, actually," pride was not a character fault Mickey could ever be accused of.
"We just need to think about this. Let's go back to my flat, sit down and have a cup of tea." Mickey snorted derisively at Jackie's suggestion. "What's wrong with that?"
"I don't know about your flat, Jackie, but mine doesn't have a back door. What if that lot come after us? It's not like nobody knows us around here, it wouldn't be hard to find out where we live."
"That's a good point. So what we need is somewhere with more than one exit and lots of people around where nothing can happen to us..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A pint of lager and vodka and tonic, please, mate." Mickey picked up the drinks and headed over to where Jackie was sitting at a table conveniently close to the pubs fire exit. "So, the people who run the fast food place are aliens then."
The bloke at the next table over gave Mickey an odd look. Jackie smiled at him and made the universal drinky-drinky gesture while nodding at Mickey. The bloke smiled sympathetically and went back to his pint.
"We don't know that they're aliens, not for sure." Jackie made a valiant attempt at denial.
"How'd you explain the Invasion of the Body snatchers staff then?"
"So they were a bit enthusiastic. That doesn't mean they're aliens, they might be... I dunno, Americans."
"Did they sound American to you?"
"No, but... Yeah, okay, they're aliens. What are we going to do?"
"I still think we should call Rose."
"I've told you, no. I can't protect my daughter when she's out there doing God knows what with him, but I'm not deliberately getting her involved with something that I know could be dangerous."
"Yeah, alright, but we've got to do something."
"We'll go to the police," decided Jackie.
"And say what, 'By the way, mate, there are aliens selling octopus burgers down on the high street.' They'll cart us off to the funny farm."
"We'll say that they attacked you in the kitchen. Then they'll have to go and have a look and if there is good explanation for what happened they'll find it."
"Yeah, okay."
"Right, come on."
"What, now? What about the rest of my pint?"
"Yeah, cause turning up reeking of booze will really make them believe us."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jackie and Mickey stood around the corner from the police station watching people come and go. Jackie straightened up, "Right, let's go then."
"I'll see you when you get back then," said Mickey.
"Why aren't you coming?"
"Cause last time I was in there people kept asking me where I'd hidden my girlfriends body."
"Now that I think about it maybe you should wait here."
"Yeah."
Mickey watched as Jackie ran across the street and into the police station. He slouched back against the wall and tried to look like he had a good reason for spending his evening loitering outside of a police station. Jackie was inside for ages and Mickey drifted off and started to daydream. He was in the middle of particularly enjoyable one about a world with no aliens where his girlfriend hadn't left him for a bloke whose ears could pick up satellite TV.
He was jolted out of this pleasant reverie by a racket coming from the police station. Jackie was being frogmarched out of the building by a sergeant. Mickey trotted over just in time to make out the tail end of the shouting.
"... And if you come back I shall have you charged with wasting police time." The sergeant turned and strode back into the station. Jackie zipped up her hoodie and about turned to face Mickey.
"I'm guessing it didn't go that well," he observed.
"It's down to you and me, Mickey."
"Oh, good," said Mickey aloud. We're all doomed, he thought.
The Idiot's Guide to Foiling Alien Invasions