Homotextuality, by Mallory (PG/PG13)

[anenko.livejournal.com]

Fandom: Big Wolf on Campus
Pairing: Merton/Tommy
Author on LJ: Unknown
Author Website: Fanfiction.net Profile
Why this must be read:

Mallory parodies BWoC fic, because really, there’s so much there *to* mock. Abused!Merton! Suicidal!Merton! Mary Sues galore! And, of course, an abundance of clichés. Here, Mallory tackles the “top six slash situations”--recognizable to any slash fan, even without any BWoC knowledge.

Mary had known it was a bad idea to come to this school instead of her beautiful, spunky, demon-fighting cousin, Kethelandrexia Moonstar, Queen of the Gypsies, from the beginning.

It didn't make sense--every time Kethelandrexia transferred to a new high school (which was about once every two or three months), she nailed the best-looking guys and their attractive-in-an-unconvential-sort-of-way best friends right, often at the same time. Until one or both of them died in a battle saving the universe. Which they inevitably did.

"It's easy," Kethel had said. "All you have to do is ignore them and put down their biggest interests, then show up at their houses late one night after having known them for a few hours. Then comes the sex."

Well, Mary had tried all she could. But no matter how hard she tried, Tommy Dawkins just didn't show any interest. What was she doing wrong, she wondered. She'd tried to say all the right things and the right times to Tommy, but he never quite got the hint. It seemed like every time she was making headway, he'd have to run off and meet his friend Merton in the janitor's closet, or the abandoned lube factory, or someplace called the "Manhole."

And every time he _wasn't_ running off to meet Merton, he showed up in the craziest places _with_ Merton, all flushed and disheveled and sticky, with some bizarre excuse as to why he was dressed like Avril Lavigne.

It was enough to make Mary want to swear off men forever.

Homotextuality