crack_van | Girl Inform Me by anythingever (NC-17)

Fandom: STAR TREK RPF
Pairing: Platonically: Chris Pine/Zoe Saldana. Romantically: Zach Quinto/Chris. Sexually: Zach/Zoe (with Chris present)
Length: ~6900
Author on LJ: anythingever
Author Website: Fic Master Post
Why this must be read:

Chris helps Zach and Zoe build chemistry using a tried-and-true method. (He helps Zoe purchase a strap-on and gives explicit instructions on how to use it on Zach.) Ok, you expect hot from the summary, but to also get hilarious, and charming, and sweet as well? Amazing.

“Zach,” Chris says into the phone. “What are you doing?” He waits for Zach’s reply, entering the freeway. “Yeah, whatever. I don’t actually care,” he finally blurts out, obviously cutting Zach off. “Listen. Zoe says my plan didn’t work? But that it was nice and sensual?” Chris rolls his eyes at whatever Zach’s reply was. “Alright, Quinto. Fucking,” he takes a dramatic pause. “Fucking be ready. We’re on our way over. Oh, and get the dildo out of the dishwasher.” Chris clicks the phone off, cutting off Zach’s reply.

“I’m sorry we disappointed you,” Zoe laughs. Chris narrows his eyes and fights back laughter himself.

“You will be,” Chris nods, chewing on his bottom lip to stop a smile from edging onto his face. “When I’m done with you two.”

“Ominous,” she smirks and he chuckles again before turning serious. He makes some expansive hand gestures, building to his point.

“I mean. Did he even touch you? Down there?”

“He did,” Zoe nods indignantly, then relents, realizing he probably didn’t by Chris’s definition. “Ish,” she sighs.

“Ish,” Chris nods, as if he’s about to go off. “You were wearing a fucking strap-on and he didn’t even touch you? Did he touch the dildo?”

“Is getting this worked up a good idea? I mean, you’re almost 30. You should think about blood pressure, right?”

“You two suck so bad. I’m thoroughly embarrassed for you both,” Chris shakes his head and keeps driving.

Girl Inform Me