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crack_van2005-10-03 02:24 pm
vampirespider.livejournal.com) wrote in crack_van2005-10-03 02:24 pm
Entry tags:
Backwards and in High Heels by Jungle Kitty (PG)
Fandom: STAR TREK: TOS (sort of)
Pairing: none
Author on LJ: Unknown
Author Website: Invisible Planets
Why this must be read:
Because I have never laughed so much as I did reading this. I suppose it treads the line of RPF, but it's so much crack, it's impossible to take seriously. The premise is as follows: what if Kirk had been a woman? Set up as a "historical" piece, it follows the casting and filming of the first season of Star Trek - with a female Kirk. The story has so many in-jokes and references, which makes it even more enjoyable.
"I had an idea for the captain, Gene. Why not a woman?"
"What?"
"A woman. A strong, intelligent woman but charming and with a little bit of humor--"
"Yes, yes, I think you're on to something, Julie. A woman. A strong, ambitious, power-hungry woman who will stop at nothing as she claws her way to the top."
"That's not what I--"
"No one will stand up to her except her handsome young executive officer. Mitchell. Commander Slate Mitchell. And every time they argue, there's this sexual tension between them. But Mitchell rebels against her and she maroons him on a deserted planet where he dies. And then she realizes he was the only man she could ever love and that makes her more of a bitch than ever. I'm thinking Joan Crawford, Barbara Stanwyck, someone you'd be afraid to go to bed with. But young and beautiful. Tight skirt, very high heels, shoulder pads."
"Gene--"
"Now she needs an enemy..."
"I think the costume is the enemy."
"That's good, Julie! Now you're thinking! An alien that disguises itself as her uniform and takes over her mind! Are you getting all this down?"
"Yes, but--"
"We still need an enemy who can threaten her on a more personal level..."
"What's more personally threatening than mind-controlling underwear?"
"A man. A man who knows that underneath it all, she's still a woman. See, she doesn't have a man so she's trying to become one and he understands this."
"Can he explain it to me?"
"Even though he's an alien, they were lovers once but now they're on opposite sides as war sweeps the galaxy. His name is Blade!"
"That doesn't sound very alien."
"Put a K in front of it."
"Kay Blade? I don't think so, Gene."
"Not Kay Blade. K'Blade. With an apostrophe. And spell it weird."
"How's this?" She held up her pad and displayed the words
Alien ex-lover K'Blaighde
"Good! Make a note. All alien names should have strange spellings and harsh sounds like Gak and Kahuck and Chuft--"
"Names that sound like a cat coughing up a fur ball. Got it."
"--and there's a handsome young ensign, just assigned to the ship. Dante Garrovick. He's the son of her former commander, Rake Garrovick, the only man she ever loved--"
"I thought Mitchell was--"
"--and she can never forgive herself for his death. It was a horrible death--"
"Smothered by alien fur balls?"
"Good idea, Julie! We can't use it for Rake's death but maybe later if we do a comic episode...Now back to the captain. She has a nephew--"
"Is all this going to be in the pilot?"
"Yes! All of it! Well, no, probably not. Some of it's backstory, maybe we can--Good God, Julie, just get it all down, I'll sort it out later! It's not like we're writing the Bible. Now she has this nephew--"
"Name?"
"Corky. Corky Crusher. He's her sister's son--"
"Name?"
"Skye with an E. Skye died when their planet was invaded by these horrible alien creatures that attach themselves to your spine and cause excruciating pain. But the boy survived so the captain--"
"Name?"
"I'm brainstorming here, Julie, stop interrupting. The captain rescues him but no one knows that he's really her son, fathered by Skye's husband--"
"Name?"
"Stag. Stag took advantage of her years ago when she had amnesia and Corky was the result. So the captain takes Corky in and gives him a home on the starship--"
"A kid on a starship?"
"He's not just any kid. He's very intelligent, a genius even, more than a genius, he has super-telepathic powers that he got from those aliens and now he has strange eyes, silver or something like those kids in 'Village of the Damned.'"
"That's gonna cost."
"Don't talk to me about cost! Everyone on the ship is afraid of Corky but the captain takes him in and--"
"GENE! What's the captain's name?"
He stopped swooping around the room and stared at her, a strange light in his eyes.
"Kirk. Captain Jamocha Kirk."
Read: Backwards and in High Heels
Pairing: none
Author on LJ: Unknown
Author Website: Invisible Planets
Why this must be read:
Because I have never laughed so much as I did reading this. I suppose it treads the line of RPF, but it's so much crack, it's impossible to take seriously. The premise is as follows: what if Kirk had been a woman? Set up as a "historical" piece, it follows the casting and filming of the first season of Star Trek - with a female Kirk. The story has so many in-jokes and references, which makes it even more enjoyable.
"I had an idea for the captain, Gene. Why not a woman?"
"What?"
"A woman. A strong, intelligent woman but charming and with a little bit of humor--"
"Yes, yes, I think you're on to something, Julie. A woman. A strong, ambitious, power-hungry woman who will stop at nothing as she claws her way to the top."
"That's not what I--"
"No one will stand up to her except her handsome young executive officer. Mitchell. Commander Slate Mitchell. And every time they argue, there's this sexual tension between them. But Mitchell rebels against her and she maroons him on a deserted planet where he dies. And then she realizes he was the only man she could ever love and that makes her more of a bitch than ever. I'm thinking Joan Crawford, Barbara Stanwyck, someone you'd be afraid to go to bed with. But young and beautiful. Tight skirt, very high heels, shoulder pads."
"Gene--"
"Now she needs an enemy..."
"I think the costume is the enemy."
"That's good, Julie! Now you're thinking! An alien that disguises itself as her uniform and takes over her mind! Are you getting all this down?"
"Yes, but--"
"We still need an enemy who can threaten her on a more personal level..."
"What's more personally threatening than mind-controlling underwear?"
"A man. A man who knows that underneath it all, she's still a woman. See, she doesn't have a man so she's trying to become one and he understands this."
"Can he explain it to me?"
"Even though he's an alien, they were lovers once but now they're on opposite sides as war sweeps the galaxy. His name is Blade!"
"That doesn't sound very alien."
"Put a K in front of it."
"Kay Blade? I don't think so, Gene."
"Not Kay Blade. K'Blade. With an apostrophe. And spell it weird."
"How's this?" She held up her pad and displayed the words
Alien ex-lover K'Blaighde
"Good! Make a note. All alien names should have strange spellings and harsh sounds like Gak and Kahuck and Chuft--"
"Names that sound like a cat coughing up a fur ball. Got it."
"--and there's a handsome young ensign, just assigned to the ship. Dante Garrovick. He's the son of her former commander, Rake Garrovick, the only man she ever loved--"
"I thought Mitchell was--"
"--and she can never forgive herself for his death. It was a horrible death--"
"Smothered by alien fur balls?"
"Good idea, Julie! We can't use it for Rake's death but maybe later if we do a comic episode...Now back to the captain. She has a nephew--"
"Is all this going to be in the pilot?"
"Yes! All of it! Well, no, probably not. Some of it's backstory, maybe we can--Good God, Julie, just get it all down, I'll sort it out later! It's not like we're writing the Bible. Now she has this nephew--"
"Name?"
"Corky. Corky Crusher. He's her sister's son--"
"Name?"
"Skye with an E. Skye died when their planet was invaded by these horrible alien creatures that attach themselves to your spine and cause excruciating pain. But the boy survived so the captain--"
"Name?"
"I'm brainstorming here, Julie, stop interrupting. The captain rescues him but no one knows that he's really her son, fathered by Skye's husband--"
"Name?"
"Stag. Stag took advantage of her years ago when she had amnesia and Corky was the result. So the captain takes Corky in and gives him a home on the starship--"
"A kid on a starship?"
"He's not just any kid. He's very intelligent, a genius even, more than a genius, he has super-telepathic powers that he got from those aliens and now he has strange eyes, silver or something like those kids in 'Village of the Damned.'"
"That's gonna cost."
"Don't talk to me about cost! Everyone on the ship is afraid of Corky but the captain takes him in and--"
"GENE! What's the captain's name?"
He stopped swooping around the room and stared at her, a strange light in his eyes.
"Kirk. Captain Jamocha Kirk."
Read: Backwards and in High Heels
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